On Movement and Holding Back

There are times when I think that some people have such a high regard for me that I don’t deserve it. I get queasy thinking about how I may not be able to live up to expectations, and one of my biggest fears is to hear the words, “You’re not the person I thought you were” from someone that I care about.

But then there are people who treat me like a kid; like I’m supposed to fade into the background, because I’m not ready to play with the big guys yet. And I don’t like THAT either.

So where does that leave me?

The answer seems obvious at first. The proactive, empowering solution is to be that person that the good people expect me to become. Stop brooding, and just grow up and move it—one way or another. It’s that simple, right?

I wish.

Being hasty in terms of progress can do more harm than good. If you move forward too fast, too soon, you’re bound to leave something behind and you’re bound to miss a few good stops along the way.

That makes me think that life really is a journey. Clichéd as it may seem, I believe that life is this road trip (not fun if you don’t spend it with friends and loved ones) with winding highways, turns, and stopovers. And for the past couple of months, I’ve just been going straight--on cruise control. Yes, I’m moving forward, I manage to keep up with the times and I continue to breathe, not to mention age, but am I really getting somewhere?

I’m safe where I am right now. Somewhat happy and I’m not starving, but I’m not living my ideal life either. Besides, I know that all this safety will take its toll sometime soon. Which is why I’m contemplating on the best way to move forward. Only, it’s not that simple because of the internal (self-esteem, emotions) and external (social, economic) factors in the back seat.

Vehicle metaphors aside, pondering about life, the present, and future puts the song *cringe* Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman inside my head. (Go on, gag or laugh at the triteness of it all.=P)

But seriously, the line “all I need is time” is relatable, but it’s vexing as well, especially for someone who doesn’t have patience as her strong suit. It poses a certain question: When it comes to waiting for yourself, exactly how much time should be allowed?