Heartbreak in Retrospect

I was browsing through last year's posts and I found this:

I love you. But it’s not enough. It’s not enough for my heart or yours. I know that love is supposed to be unconditional, and how one shouldn’t expect anything in return, but this only applies to people who are not in danger of losing themselves. Yes, loving someone unconditionally is a good thing, I’m not gonna argue with that. But loving someone unconditionally without compromising the love that you have for yourself? Now that’s a GREAT love.

I guess we’re not meant for greatness.

(06/02/2008)

—-
That was me nine months ago. Back then, it felt like I was in chains and there was only one person who possessed the key to free me. (Not that I wanted to be freed.) But it later dawned on me that all I was in love with was a ghost--a faint manifestation of something I desperately wanted. I was clinging to something that barely even existed, I could only catch it in shadowy corners and fleeting moments.

Disillusionment was a bitch. But a valuable realization came with it too: Ghosts can’t carry keys and to hell with that, I didn't even need one. It all came down to strength. Strength brought about by unyielding will and love for one’s self. I found that all along, that was all I needed to liberate myself from the chains that I was in. (I also had a little help from my favorite people, of course.) In any case, reading that post from last year makes want to go back, so I can hug my former self and say, "Honey, you'll be laughing at this in no time".

To slightly digress, I'm reminded of this conversation I recently had with someone. He said something like, "Some women complicate things only to realize later that THEY are the problem". Save for the women only part, I can't say I blame him for saying that. But the up-side to this is finding that the solution is within ourselves too. Trust me, there is no feeling more liberating than that. Of course, we find solutions in different ways. There are times when answers creep up on us unexpectedly, while other times, reality decides to give us a bitch-slap. Either way, we learn something. And yeah, it's tempting to wish that I could go straight to the solution and skip the complicated part, but where's the fun in that?

Postscript:

While I'm able to laugh and roll my eyes at the drama of the past, a part of me still revisits it--not out of nostalgia or heartache, but out of vindictiveness and disdain. Writing this made me see that it's time to completely stop the re-runs of that particular season of The Chessie Show. No more anger, and no more plots of revenge. Just good riddance and Last Words by The Real Tuesday Weld playing in the background. It's a song with sad lyrics and a number of lines that I can relate to, but its melody is something that I can only describe as glad and optimistic. Not to mention a line that could not sound any sweeter to my ears:

These are the last words that I will say to you. =)